Triggers
Posted by Alli on December 5, 2007
When I am in a pretty decent, even keeled mood (more happy than sad) it is so strange for me to be knocked back into a spiral of unhappiness or despair. I’ve noticed when I slip slowly into sadness, and I honestly think those times are hormone induced, but to be kicked into a blubbering mess shocks me.
Monday morning I had an appointment at the OB/GYN office. Nothing alarming, no exciting announcements, just some run of the mill stuff. Anyway, while I was waiting a young woman came looking very pregnant and very uncomfortable. Another woman came in with her and went straight to the front desk where she loudly yelled “My daughter is in labor! I have been trying to call here about 100 times and you told us to come in. Her contractions are 3 minutes apart, so get her back there!”
The announcement made everyone in the waiting room sit up straight and wonder if we were going to see a birthing in the waiting room. Fortunately we didn’t.
But seeing this young woman (maybe unwed, but I couldn’t say for sure) laboring hit my heart in such a way that I had a flashback to 2003. Right after my miscarriage I was sitting in my doctor’s waiting area and there was a teen mom there with her newborn. I was in the midst of a terrible depression and started sobbing uncontrollably. When my doctor tried to talk me through it I just kept going on and on about how unfair it was for this kid to have a kid and me to have all the problems I was having. I was mad that I had to see it “thrown in my face.”
I promise you, I was perfectly fine on Monday. I was crocheting and waiting. But seeing this young woman in labor, sitting three chairs away from me was like a kick in the stomach I didn’t see coming. The tears just started flowing. I kept it quiet, but my mind was chanting “it’s not fair” very loudly.
When I got to the exam room I prayed God would take those thoughts away. I prayed for me to be happy with what I had waiting for me at home. And I prayed for me to rejoice in the new life the woman was carrying and to be forgiven for the sin of coveting.
I stopped crying and was able to move on.
Even now, two days later, I am still shocked at my reaction. I really thought I had moved on from those thoughts and reactions. When we were trying to get pregnant the first time, I Sure I am frustrated that I haven’t been knocked up yet, and I have faith God will bless us in His own perfect timing, but… I guess laboring women are a trigger for me. I’ll remember that next time.
Tiffany said,
Wow, reading this brings back memories. I read an entry not too long ago from zoot who has had the same reactions, and I know my sister had that reaction when I found out I was pregnant the first time, she felt bad later when I lost it, but it is knee jerk. So understand this, and you know still do.
RT said,
I understand, Alli, and appreciate your honesty. I think it helps to know that other women struggle with the same thing. I’ve been feeling pretty upbeat about last year’s miscarriage and my unfulfilled desire for a 2nd child until this morning… Crossing my path in Walmart was a pregnant woman (7-8 months or so) pushing a very young toddler, perhaps 1 year old, in a cart. I felt so jealous of her growing family. Your post reminds me to seek forgiveness and praise God for new life. Thanks.
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